won't be blown by every breeze - refining thoughts on my life's calling, part ii

photo: flickr, futuristmovies

I realize in writing this that not everyone automatically understands the tension between my current job teaching Bible and church work to which I feel called. For pastors, it feels like the difference between coaching tee-ball and playing in the big leagues. Sure, both have benefits and rewards, but everyone knows that the pros are where this action is . . . right?

I put all the pieces together last weekend.

The reason I feel unprepared to be a senior pastor is because I always think "senior teacher" whenever I imagine the position. Most of today's senior pastors, however, are much more like CEOs than they are teachers.

In fact, virtually all ministry positions are more akin to some sort of middle-management than they are professors and scholars. Certainly, this does not ring true for all pastors, but my experience has taught me that it likely resonates with most.

I spent most of my time in ministry alone, in my office, organizing people, events, and schedules. Very little time was devoted to interacting with people, informing, equipping, and encouraging them in spiritual matters. What little face-time I got usually served to meet some other need (hospital visits, counsel, prayer).

Nothing is wrong with these activities of church work, in fact, many of them are quite beneficial and have even blessed me in both their giving and receiving.

Still, I found myself wholly unsatisfied with these pursuits. When in ministry, my presence in the office was required for far more hours than most of my tasks took to accomplish, and I was so frightfully bored by the remaining tasks that I often procrastinated until [or sometimes after] a looming deadline demanded their completion.

By contrast, at the high school, I get to open up God's Word everyday. I research the content, context, history, and implications of a the Scriptures, and then I give it away, that it might convict, challenge, and change the hearts of otherwise deluded young people.

For a few, my words demolish preconceived notions about Jesus and following the way. Nothing is off-limits in Bible class; drugs, violence, sex, politics, race, society, and even Muppets and Domo are up for discussion. All of this occurs amid a warzone of raging hormones and explosions of highly concentrated ADHD.

Immaturity and disrespect in my classrrom constantly annoy me. It vexes me when children with enormous promise and opportunity squander their ability because it is unpopular to try. The hour-long commute home zaps me of all remaining energy at the end of the day.

And yet, I love my job. I could not imagine a less suitable environment for my introverted, intellectual, and typically reserved personally. And yet . . . I love my job.

Weighing the factors of a so-far disappointing career in ministry and an oddly fulfilling, if out of place, stint in the classroom, I came to a conclusion.

I want to teach.

Unfortunately, this one question remains: now what?

p.s. I chose the photo above not for its inherent aesthetic value but because the caption was "Introduction to Monstering".

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night takes a deep breath - refining thoughts on my life's calling, part i

photo: flickr

I turn twenty-five tomorrow.

There will be no waxing philosophical about a quarter-life crisis or the all too rapid passage of time. I feel that I have filled my quota of crises for the year. No need for a birthday to go crazy. Rather, I will share something that I am learning about myself. Since being unceremoniously dismissed from my last job in ministry, I have constantly questioned when and how , not "if", I will return to church work. Recently, I considered whether or not I was asking the right question.

You see, the truth is, in the past six years of doing ministry professionally, I have not had a single good experience. Don't mistake what I am saying, I have worked with amazing people and seen incredibly inspiring life-change happen. But if I was honest with myself, and I mean really honest, I have had very few (if any) moments where I found my job description at a church fit my talents, passions, and personal strengths with any satisfying accuracy.

Virtually every job posting I read for pastors mentions requirements like extroversion, an "entrepreneurial spirit," and other characteristics that sound like they've been copied and pasted right out of an issue of Fortune Small Business magazine. Yet, whenever I think that I am not ready to be a senior pastor yet, my first thought is always about how I do not know enough.

There are plenty of effective pastors who have the same amount of education or even less than I do, so it strikes me as kind of odd that lack of knowledge is always my first concern. This is especially strange when one considers that my lack of experience and/or proficiency in subjects such as entrepreneurship gives me very little trepidation at all.

When I began working as a Bible teacher at a Christian high school, I was even more confounded upon discovering that, though I abhorred the immature and juvenile antics of my thoroughly adolescent students, I enjoyed my job.

What about the call to ministry?, I thought. This could not have been right.

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where the wind will take you

photo: flickr

Sometimes ideas seep into my brain, and they will not leave until I feel like I have figured out the connection between seemingly disparate news articles, moments on tv, real-life experiences, and/or anything else I see.

Gallup's Strengths Finder suggests that identifying connections is one of my top strengths. Unfortunately, they did not happen to share what sort of organizations or people will write checks for someone pointing out ideological relationships for them.

When I do not write, it is most often because I have not quite worked out the latest of my hypotheses. Thoughts will sit there seemingly on the tip of my tongue for weeks at a time.

Rather than leave you hanging, I thought I might include you all this time. Here are a couple of things that have my attention right now. Either one or both deserve(s) a dedicated post, but I cannot yet fully articulate what they have impressed upon me about life, culture, and/or God.

First, an article by a pro-choice writer who notes an interesting corollary between embryonic stem-cell research and torture in Iraq.
"Winning Smugly" by William Saletan

Second, an article by a man who is a self-proclaimed homosexual but chooses not to act upon his sexual preference based on a calling he feels on his life to live beyond the constraints of his own desires. In this, he has found the Church not the monstrous, bigoted lynchmob many imagine but rather his only source of personal strength. I admire this man and his courage.
"A Few Like You" by Wesley Hill

Feel free to share your thoughts.

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waiting for an invitation

photo: flickr

An open letter to women who shop in the men's department. . .

Dear Ladies on the Men's Side of the Store,

I appreciate your need to peruse the articles of clothing in local department and/or clothing stores in sections assigned to members of the opposite gender. While I cannot, without speaking to you, know your specific reasons for crossing the center aisle, I assume it has something to do with a desire either to dress your man like a Ken doll or to adorn yourself in asexual, "comfy" attire.

Either way, please let us be clear about one thing: when you, as a female, shop in the area designated for men, you are in our way. Yes, rules of free-market capitalism operate on a first-come, first-served basis, but far more should be considered in the perpetuation of polite society.

For one, you have your own section. This is not some sexist, chauvinist tirade by yet another man who thinks he owns the world. Legitimate reasons exist why you might be browsing our trousers, so I am not requesting that you leave. Rather, I simply ask that you stand down your shopping as we pass. I have more use for those khakis on clearance than you do.

For another, simply because you understand our clothing more than we understand yours does not mean that you should assert your rights under the "menswear" sign. I may not be able to identify racerbacks, tankinis, or halters in a police line-up, but were I to wander over to the land of dresses, skirts, and capris, I would defer to you.

The issue really comes down to two facts:
1) I have more potential use for whatever item you are browsing than you do. Even if you were sent to the store by your husband, brother, son, or otherwise naked person in your life, your use for pants, boxers, button-down shirts, or sweater vests is secondary at best. You can safely assume that if I am shopping at all, I fully intend to wear my purchases myself. Which leads me to my second point . . .

2) Men and women shop differently. From the second I enter a store, I am on a search and acquire mission. I know what size I wear, what colors look good one me, and the entire inventory of my closet at home +/- one sock. You, however, are on a blissful stroll through meadows of pinstripes and ties. You touch each and every piece, regardless of style, size, or color, and you create in your mind a JC Penney catalog of the men in your life wearing the apparel, smiling, and throwing a football before a whole-family barbecue. This is, of course, all before take out the cell phone to discuss your loved one's sizes, preferences, day, childhood, and what should be had for dinner. Let me through, and your imaginary frolic may resume as soon as I briefly glance at the three items in the store that could even possibly meet my needs.

Is it not enough that most sections of any given store are geared toward you? Womenswear, Juniors, Cosmetics, Housewears, etc. Please, just give me this one thing. I am not even asking you to leave the section.

Let's not make this a big issue. No apologies necessary. Knowing looks exchanged while you step aside and I pass through the section are all I need.

Just Trying to Buy Pants,
Me

P.S. Don't send me hate mail. I'm joking.
P.P.S. Seriously though, move.

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