won't be blown by every breeze - refining thoughts on my life's calling, part ii

photo: flickr, futuristmovies

I realize in writing this that not everyone automatically understands the tension between my current job teaching Bible and church work to which I feel called. For pastors, it feels like the difference between coaching tee-ball and playing in the big leagues. Sure, both have benefits and rewards, but everyone knows that the pros are where this action is . . . right?

I put all the pieces together last weekend.

The reason I feel unprepared to be a senior pastor is because I always think "senior teacher" whenever I imagine the position. Most of today's senior pastors, however, are much more like CEOs than they are teachers.

In fact, virtually all ministry positions are more akin to some sort of middle-management than they are professors and scholars. Certainly, this does not ring true for all pastors, but my experience has taught me that it likely resonates with most.

I spent most of my time in ministry alone, in my office, organizing people, events, and schedules. Very little time was devoted to interacting with people, informing, equipping, and encouraging them in spiritual matters. What little face-time I got usually served to meet some other need (hospital visits, counsel, prayer).

Nothing is wrong with these activities of church work, in fact, many of them are quite beneficial and have even blessed me in both their giving and receiving.

Still, I found myself wholly unsatisfied with these pursuits. When in ministry, my presence in the office was required for far more hours than most of my tasks took to accomplish, and I was so frightfully bored by the remaining tasks that I often procrastinated until [or sometimes after] a looming deadline demanded their completion.

By contrast, at the high school, I get to open up God's Word everyday. I research the content, context, history, and implications of a the Scriptures, and then I give it away, that it might convict, challenge, and change the hearts of otherwise deluded young people.

For a few, my words demolish preconceived notions about Jesus and following the way. Nothing is off-limits in Bible class; drugs, violence, sex, politics, race, society, and even Muppets and Domo are up for discussion. All of this occurs amid a warzone of raging hormones and explosions of highly concentrated ADHD.

Immaturity and disrespect in my classrrom constantly annoy me. It vexes me when children with enormous promise and opportunity squander their ability because it is unpopular to try. The hour-long commute home zaps me of all remaining energy at the end of the day.

And yet, I love my job. I could not imagine a less suitable environment for my introverted, intellectual, and typically reserved personally. And yet . . . I love my job.

Weighing the factors of a so-far disappointing career in ministry and an oddly fulfilling, if out of place, stint in the classroom, I came to a conclusion.

I want to teach.

Unfortunately, this one question remains: now what?

p.s. I chose the photo above not for its inherent aesthetic value but because the caption was "Introduction to Monstering".